Surefire Dysfunction: A Beginner’s Guide

Do you wish your life was filled with more aggravation and drama? Do you find yourself fondly reminiscing about your high school days of angst and woe? Could you improve your daily routine with more complicated relationships, higher stress, and lower self-confidence?

Never fear! Follow this easy guide and you’ll be reveling in the madness. Let’s begin!

Lesson 1: Take Everything Personally

When entering a room, you may notice that everyone looks up at you. Some might assume that this is the result of a sudden movement and the human fight or flight instinct, the biological imperative to guard against potential danger. However, since the universe revolves around you, you can be sure that the group was talking about you before you got there.  When encountering a gathering of perfect strangers, immediately question your clothing/hairstyle/life choices. These people with no vested interest in you are judging, and you don’t want to miss any of that action. Be sure not to confuse a blank expression with indifference.


Unit 2: Jump to Conclusions

Text messaging is a perfect form of communication.  With the lack of tone or facial expressions, words can mean anything. Given a text that could be perfectly harmless OR completely vile, always choose the version that results in the greatest amount of agitation.  The benefit of the doubt is for amateurs.

Exercise 1
You’re texting with a friend and you suddenly make a joke. Your friend doesn’t immediately respond.  You assume:

A) She must be busy and will get back to me later.
B) She is offended by my text and will never speak to me again.

Answer: B. Obviously, your friend is ignoring you and has decided to end your relationship because of a single 160 character message. Well done.

Unit 3: Live Superlatively

When fighting about a specific issue, be sure to bring up topics that you’ve been allowing to fester for some time.  If possible, add in words like Always and Never to your conversation, to really ramp up the emotion.

Exercise 2
Complete the following sentences with the appropriate superlative:

1) You __________ eat the last bit of ice cream!

2) How come you __________ put the seat down?

Answers: 1) always 2) never

So there you have it! Apply these simple tactics in your life and send your stress level through the roof!

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