This morning, I got up at 7:30 am. I went to Jazzercise and got coffee at the Dunkin’ Donuts next door (appreciate the irony). I drove over to the farmer’s market to buy some fresh fruit, because they always have good produce, and for one other reason that I’m not quite willing to admit to myself. It ended up being a terrible idea, though the produce was excellent. Drove home while talking (hands free!) to Emily about a guy I can’t quite figure out, but who is becoming increasingly irritating in my lack of understanding. Did the crossword puzzle with my mom, drank the coffee, ate breakfast. Finished up a freelance job and made a plan for the day that includes laundry and studying for my astronomy exam on Tuesday.It was all so normal. So why do I feel so guilty?
I’m stuck in this place now, the place where I know that I can’t go back, I can’t undo what has been done, and the place where I feel horrible for planning for the future, as if moving on with my life means that my dad didn’t mean anything to me.
I miss him.
No doubt, if he were still here, he would have made me angry at least a couple of times already today. He would have said something annoying or callous and I would have bristled and gotten my feelings hurt. Then he would have cracked a joke and I would have almost smiled, trying not to give him the satisfaction. The joke would have been funny, or at least funny in how truly terrible it was.
But I can’t go back there. I can never have that again. From the point two and half weeks ago when the bottom fell out of my world, my life has taken a sharp course correction that can never truly be righted. Whatever happens next, whatever I become, will be shaped by this. I have no intention of becoming cold or embittered, it’s not what God wants for me, it’s not what I want for myself. I’m desperately trying to find my way in a world that doesn’t really make sense to me anymore, and I know that I will. I have an amazing support system in place. Truly and completely amazing.
I hope that you don’t mind that for a little while, some of the posts coming from this blog are going to be a little more introspective. Not all the time, but I think that maybe sharing bits of yourself makes it a little easier to get a handle on who you are. I’ll get back to the witticism and baking, and I have some interesting DIY ideas lined up. I may even school you on the relative merit of Weight % Oxides (but probably not). I’ll talk about my future and my cat and why I’m considering a new duvet cover. I promise, in time, I’ll be as close to the old Simone as humanly possible.
All I ask is this: have a little faith, and don’t give up on me.
I’m going to make mistakes. You are going to get tired of reading about them. It’s going to happen. But I’ll find my way, I promise, and when I do, I’m sure you’ll all be the first to know.